So for unknown reasons I've been sitting from about 3 am to now, 7 am, doing pretty much nothing. Just sitting with the iPod in my lap that has lasted me about forever, listening to the songs I'm usually too impatient to listen to all the way through.
Maybe going back to Seattle to visit has put me in this deep strange state of self-reflection. Kind of like visiting a place that bursts back a million memories you didn't know you had.
I feel very sad because I regret so much not writing it down more. Every moment of the memories. Every plane trip and the things we battled and overcame of each of our demons. I know there's some way to find it. What did I say about the first kiss? What really happened, what order? Did he touch my hair, my face? Did we look at each other? I used to ask him over and over month by month exactly how it happened. Fed on the details of such a lovely memory. It must suck to be old. Maybe I wrote it in my journals. Surely I even could have here on DA.

Hm. Poor thing. Is he just rolling over or subconsciously realizing I never came to bed?

Nostalgia gets me in a strange mood. Happy, very sad, happy. A strange calm feeling. I think my mind goes to any night I felt sad and kind of sticks to it, any night I sat like this and thought sad thoughts. Like suddenly you're in the same place you were after some bad news or having to come to terms with something.
I never understand exactly what it means. It doesn't mean I'm sad or depressed or unhappy. Honestly I can't think of a good way to describe it. In a moment. Remembering things. Missing old things. Wanting to do a million things at once.

I think it's because it's been so long since I've quietly sat and thought for hours on end.

-dozes off for about two more hours without typing anything-

Hrm. I may have to continue this thought later.